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Author Topic: Jokes Thread !!  (Read 23740 times)

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Offline Cherry

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Jokes Thread !!
« on: March 07, 2008, 01:31:29 pm »
OK all you wise and wittty people, lets see some of the jokes that make you laugh and cringe and genrally choke when reading them !!

I know a fair few of you out there have really funny senses of humour !!  So come on, lets see what we can do in here.


love you all Cherry X0x0x0x0x

Offline fetish fairy

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2008, 09:46:30 pm »
Four friends who hadn't seen each other in 30 years reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.  Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." 

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.  He hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion , a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

Offline fetish fairy

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2008, 09:48:53 pm »
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that
his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'


With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read
the letter:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my
new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been
finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I knew you would not
approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes
and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion

        ... Dad

        ... she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray
that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.

        She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure
that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

        Love,

        Your son, John

        PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card
that's in my center desk drawer.

        I love you.

        Call me when it's safe to come home.

Offline KrazyGurl

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2008, 11:24:44 pm »
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Offline KrazyGurl

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2008, 11:29:23 pm »
top ten tips to know if you have PMS
10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Offline fetish fairy

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2008, 07:13:46 pm »
tooooooo freakin funny KG

        WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

         I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

         A half-gallon of 2% milk
         A carton of eggs
         A quart of orange juice
         A head of lettuce
         A 2 lb. can of coffee
         A 1 lb. package of bacon

         As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of
 the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I
was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw
 nothing
particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to my marital status.
 
        Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know
what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

        The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Offline KrazyGurl

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2008, 11:32:39 pm »


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out.

Grunt

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2008, 04:54:27 pm »
Here's a few short jokes  :))

A man has a 50 tattooed on his dick. His wife asks, "Why do you have that?"

He replies " For 1, I like to see my money grow;
                     2, I like to play with my money;
                     3, I like having my money in my hand
                      and last but not least, next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it!"


A little boy kills a Butterfly and his Dad says "No butter for 2 weeks*
Boy kills a Honeybee, Dad says "No Honey for 2 weeks*
Mum then stamps on a cockroach, boy turns to dad and says "Are you going to tell her or shall I?"

2 preists go for a shower one night. They are naked before they realise there is no soap. Father John goes to his room to get some.
He grabs 2 bars, one in each hand and heads back to the shower.
Half way down the hall 3 Nuns head his way. He pretends to be a statue.
Nun says how life like he looks.
First Nun pulls his manhood. The Priest, startled drops a bar of soap, "Oh, It's a soap dispenser" says the Nun
Second Nun does the same and the priest drops the other bar of soap.
Third Nun tries and nothing happens, she keeps tugging, "Sweet Jesus" she says "Hand lotion as well"

A man is shagging a  woman in her bed and he notices a photograph  of a man on the bedside table.
"Is that your husband?" he asks
"No" she replies
"Is that your boyfriend?" he asks
"No" she replies
"Who the fuck is it then?" he asks
"it's me 2 years ago" she replies

Lee Knight, the man whose wife was jailed for 30 years for poisoning him with anti-freeze said
"I'm now blind, almost deaf & Can't walk properly, but on the bright side, I don't feel the cold anymore"

Little Johnnys neighbour gives birth to a baby that is born without ears.
Johnny and his mum go to visit and Johnny is warned not to mention its ears or he would get a real spanking.
Johnny looked inside the cot and says "What a lovely baby. Lovely feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"
The baby's mother replies "It's perfect"
Johnny replied "That's great because he'd be fucked if he needed to wear glasses"

They said a flower couldn't signify Love. The Rose managed it.
They said a plant couldn't survive without water. The cactus managed it
They said a retard couldn't read jokes............................well done Tabooists       LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Grunt x

Offline Cherry007

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2008, 08:10:33 am »
LMAOOOOOO

Offline Cherry007

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #9 on: April 09, 2008, 04:32:03 pm »
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine"

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shit is adorable anymore.

-======================================-



Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

-======================================-

The teacher asked, "Class use the word contagious in a sentence."
Molly put her hand up and said, My little sister has chickenpox and they are contagious.
The teacher said, "Very good Molly."
Sally raised her hand and said, "My little brother has the mumps and they are contagious".
The teacher said, "Very good Sally."
Little Johnny was jumping around in his seat, hand raise in the air, waving back and forth.
The teacher had been stung with Johnny's remarks before and was very reluctant to let him speak.
Unfortunately he was the only other child in the class with his hand up. So the teacher thought she better give him a chance.
"OK Johnny, give me a sentence with the word contagious in it"
Johnny was all excited that he was given a chance.
He said, "Teacher my dad was sitting in the lawn chair with his friend drinking beer. My mom was cutting the lawn.
Dad said to his friend "It's going to take that contagious to cut the lawn.
Johnny was expelled the next day.

-======================================-

Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.
Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"
"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffff! fffff! fffff!', and before he could say 'Fuck!', the dog ate him!"

-======================================-

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted....

-======================================-

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The third worm in sperm --- dead.

The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."


enjoy x0x0x0x0x

Offline fetish fairy

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #10 on: April 19, 2008, 05:22:19 pm »
The Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls -


We've all heard about people "having guts" or "having balls".
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed
below...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning
or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.....
 as both ultimately result in death.

Offline Cherry007

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Re: Jokes Thread !!
« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2008, 09:00:08 am »
lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo

gotta love that fairy !!!