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Author Topic: a few jokes  (Read 7864 times)

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auphartz

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a few jokes
« on: May 03, 2009, 09:34:36 am »
Taking a break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Lexus into an Irish gas station.

 An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware
  who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

 As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

 "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

  "They're called tees," replies Tiger.

  "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
 
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
 
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Lexus think of everything!"

___________________________________________________________________________________


A middle aged woman decides to have a facelift for her
birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the
results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a
 newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you
don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32" was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47 " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a
drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the
counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye
sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure
way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but
 it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then
I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity
got the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her
bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she said,"Okay, okay,...how old
am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could
you tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"No", she said.

He replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."


____________________________________________________________________________________
Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So saying,he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said,"Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything usual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?This is a profile of the man's face!" Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "Al right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
___________________________________________________________________________________

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when
it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drug store.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after
all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she
prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
__________________________________________________________________________________

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."







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